Ranking the 2012 Giants Promotional Giveaways

No Giants are in/have been in the hunt for any major awards this offseason, which feels weird coming off the Lincecum-Lincecum-Posey stretch of 2008-2010. Nor is the front office likely to make a major splash in the free agent market. No matter. We got all the excitement we need to carry us into Spring Training when the Giants announced their 2012 Promotions Schedule last week. It's a lot to take in, so I'm going to do everyone a favor and provide comprehensive analysis from the items that will be forgotten under the seats to the ones you'll need to arrive early for. Obviously, it will be tough to compete with last year's World-Series-related items (I still wear my WS Ring Replica on the regular), but let's see what's in store for 2012 (each category's items are listed in order of least cool to most cool):

For the Kids (available only to the under-14 demographic)

• Giants Rope Necklace (May 6) - This is you classic wear-for-a-couple-hours-and-then-never-again giveaway. Certainly a few kids will wear them for the whole game, but I doubt any survive the car ride home. This has got classic "what-the-hell-is-this" potential for months later, when kids are digging around under the seat looking for their seat belt.
• Giants Snap Watch (July 29) - Again, this will provide some entertainment during and after the game, but I don't see it making it into many kids' regular accessory rotation. I'd warn the kids to watch out for hipsters looking bump up their irony points, but we all know hipsters don't have the ability to bully anyone. 
• Tim Lincecum Wall Sticker (April 29) - Wish I knew more about this one, like the size. But in any case it will likely make a nice addition to bedroom wall. Low-risk, low-ceiling. Also, kids, take note of the date. I know a lot of you are strapped for cash, so I'll let you know that this would make a fine birthday gift.
• Giants Gym Bag (Aug 12) - This one kind of makes me want to write a strongly-worded letter accusing the Giants of ageism. Why should only kids get a gym bag? What under-14-year-olds go to the gym anyway? But I doubt I'll get around to it; instead I'll take comfort in knowing the Giants gospel will be spread via kids taking this bag to all their sleep-overs.
• Giants Super Hero Cape (June 9) - Let me see here (couting on fingers)...December-January-February-March-April-May...DAM! If this promo got pushed back a couple months I'd make it my mission tonight to impregnate some floozy just so I could bring my kid to this game and get this. I can imagine the Facebook profile picture now -- me doing the hands-on-hips-Superman pose, rocking my sweet Giants cape flowing in the wind....I mean, wow.

Could Be Cool But Probably Won't Be

• Orange Friday Knit Hat (April 27) - I'd like to think this will make appearances outside of AT&T Park, but I doubt it will. There's no way it will be actually-wear-to-keep-warm quality, and the inevitable corporate logo on the back will strip it of most of its coolness points.
• Giants Cap (June 10) - On paper this looks like a great one. But again, we go back to the quality and the corporate logo. Real Giants fans should opt to pay for the real thing.
• Giants Messenger bag (April 28) - This could definitely serve a purpose, and if used, will definitely show the city where your loyalties lie. However my guess is that this will turn out to be a glorified reusable grocery bag.

The Practical

• Calendar (April 13 - Opening Day) - You can never have too many calendars. Actually, you can. Two is too many. But maybe your office needs one.
• Magnet Schedule (April 16) - Either you'll find yourself looking at it a lot and loving its convenience, or you wont. But hey, free magnet.
• Giants Player T-shirt (July 14) - I imagine the player is TBD, so this giveaway's place in this blog post still has a lot of mobility. But as opposed to the hats listed above, T-shirts are pretty hard to screw up as long as they don't try to do too much with it. You'll likely wear it again, especially because we know the player won't be Aaron Rowand.
• Gigantes Player T-shirt (September 8) - Same as above, but with bonus points for ethnicity.
• Giants Welcome Mat (April 15) - No better way to announce to your guests that you know what's what with Bay Area sports while at the same time telling the dirty piles of s--- to wipe their f---ing feet.

The Intruiging

• 2002 Player Bobbleheads - Once again, who knows which player(s) will be depicted, so this certainly has potential to move into one of the categories below. If Barry Bonds is involved, I'm in (obvi). Rueter, Nen, Ortiz, Kent, Snow -- there's some stuff to work with here.
• Orange Friday Texting Glove (May 4) - Full disclosure: I had to Google what "texting gloves" are. But it's the perfect giveaway for San Francisco. Because we're hip, tech-savvy, and have chilly nights. Unfortunately, the crowds at AT&T Park do not need any more encouragement to be clicking away at their phones during games. Nevertheless, the Giants promotions department should get points for creativity and staying current.

Get Your Ebay Sellers Account Ready

• Giants Trading Cards (July 28) - You're not going to much (if anything) for them, but what else are you going to do with them? Surprised this isn't a kids-only giveaway.
• Madison Bumgarner Bobblehead (July 15) - Now we're getting to some interesting stuff. Bobbleheads are the  Osama Bin Laden of promotional giveaways (most wanted). Carve out some time to get to the park early for this one, especially if MadBum is having a good year. Now, I'm not going to explicitly endorse flipping a free gift for it's monetary value, but if you don't have a running collection of Bobbleheads, why deprive someone who has a specific need for this one?
• Pablo Sandoval Bobblehead (August 26) - The line outside the park will be around the corner and beyond for this one. The Panda is in the discussion for most popular Giant, and his body, smile, and goofy attitude were made to be depicted on a doll with a bouncy, over-sized head. 

The Keepers

• Sergio Romo Bobblehead (May 5) - Admittedly, this is personal. Romo is my favorite Giant, and I'm thrilled he's being honored with a Bobblehead. 
• Brian Wilson Gnome (May 20) - Wow. File this under great-ideas-that-I-wish-I-had-thought-of. Simply put, just like Sandoval and his Bobblehead, B-Weezy was made to be depicted in gnome-form. I imagine people walking past this guy in a garden, not thinking much of it, doing a double-take to realize who it is, and going nuts over it. The Brian Wilson Gnome is the clear winner for this year's Mike Krukow IwannaGetThatIwannaGetThatIwannaGetThat award. Nailed it.